All this time I was finding myself, I didn't know I was lost.

This winter, our Bible study group read through Genesis. Many of the chapters tell the account of Abraham, God's covenant with him, and his journey believing God. These lessons, paired with the discussion each week, were very timely for me! Fairly early in my collegiate career, I had the next 10 years of my life mapped out. I had a plan for my degree, career, marriage, where I would live, the dog I would get...etc... I imagine Abraham had an idea of what his life was going to look like, too, and then God showed up and changed that, telling him to "go from your country, your people, and your father's household to the land I will show you" (Genesis 12:1). 

After I graduated college, I started pursuing The Plan. Everything was pretty much on schedule, until it wasn't. I had a job, but not a career. My relationship status changed. I looked at my life compared to The Plan and it just wasn't lining up. So I began to work toward forcing my life to fit into the mold I created. I imagine it figuratively looked like a muffin top... 

Then, Alaska. :) I never dreamed I would live in Alaska; it wasn't even on the list of places I wanted to visit. It was never a part of The Plan. Even when I accepted this amazing opportunity, I started out with the mindset it was only for 2 years. A 2-year detour, then back to The Plan. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? 

I remember sitting on the fireplace hearth at Bible study one night this winter and feeling overwhelmed at the realization that my life was shaping up to be nothing like The Plan. I am living 4,000 miles away from my family, still not in the career I imagined, not married, no house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, not any closer to it than I was when I moved a year before... And yet, not disappointed by any of that. I remember sharing this with our group and getting a lot of blank stares. That made me feel like I was the only one whose life was turning out differently than planned, and basically said as much, to which my friend replied that she just couldn't imagine me happy in that scenario. Several others nodded in agreement. I thought on that a while, mentioned it later to a few others who know me well and everyone had the same response... They didn't think that The Plan suited me at all. Well, I'll be. I was so sure that it was exactly what I wanted. It was all I wanted, for several years. But I did recognize it was not what I wanted any more, and probably not what I had wanted for a while. It made me wonder if I would have truly been happy with The Plan, if my stubbornness had won out. Fortunately, I won't find out. I had been feeling for a while like I was trying to set sail, but the anchor (The Plan) was still out. It was terrifying to completely abandon The Plan, severing the rope, but...

Sailing. Is. Incredible. 

The title of the post is a line from the catchy song "Wake Me Up" by Avicii. Even as I moved to Alaska, I thought I had my life all figured out. While I have always had a good sense of who I am, especially in my 20's, I see now how much more I have to learn. All this time, I've been finding myself, I didn't know I was lost. How does that work with ministry? I read this great article a while ago: One thing your daughter doesn't need you to say. It encourages being yourself, sharing your struggles, rather than trying to be just a good example. In this life, we're all going to have struggles, regardless of what you believe. My faith impacts how I respond to those struggles, and I believe the greatest testament to my faith is allowing someone to witness how it is lived out.

So with that backstory, I'll hopefully share a few posts in the next couple days on what I've been up to the past 8 months!